Have you ever found yourself wanting to keep a friend all to yourself? While you might think it’s harmless to keep your friend within your circle, you could be engaging in “friend hoarding.”
Friend hoarding refers to the behaviour of holding friends to oneself or hesitating to introduce them to others, often out of fear of losing them or feeling left out. While maintaining friendships is important for emotional well-being, this behaviour can stem from insecurities and may lead to unhealthy relationships.
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Katherine Stovel, professor and chair of sociology at the University of Washington, explained, “Much of what can make linking friends scary—insecurities, envy, an instinct to hold tight to the people you love—isn’t new; it’s fundamentally human. But keeping your friends to yourself, what I call “friend hoarding,” is a modern practice.”
What causes friend hoarding?
Fear of abandonment
People who struggle with a fear of being left alone may cling to every friendship, even if the connection is superficial or strained.
Low self-esteem
Individuals with low self-esteem might believe their worth is tied to the number of friends they have, leading them to make friendships to validate themselves.
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Past trauma
Experiences like childhood neglect or a history of unstable relationships may make someone overly attached to their current friend or friendship circle.
Social anxiety
Those anxious about forming new connections may over-rely on existing ones, fearing the effort and vulnerability new friendships require.
How to address friend hoarding
Acknowledge the issue
Recognise if you’re hesitant to introduce your friends or feel anxious about their interactions with others. Consider if this behaviour stems from fear of abandonment, jealousy, or low self-esteem.
Work on insecurities
Engage in activities that build your self-worth, such as pursuing hobbies, setting personal goals, or practicing positive affirmations. If you worry about being replaced, remind yourself that friendships are built on mutual care, not exclusivity.
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Encourage open communication
Share your feelings if you feel insecure about introducing them to others. This can strengthen trust and understanding. Healthy friendships respect individual needs and boundaries. If you need reassurance, express it constructively.
Practice sharing friendships
Begin by introducing friends in low-pressure situations, like casual group outings. Instead of feeling threatened by new friendships, take joy in your friends connecting with each other.
Seek support if needed
If these behaviours are deeply ingrained or causing distress, a counsellor or therapist can help address underlying issues. Join groups or communities where you can explore friendships in a supportive environment.
Embrace growth in friendships
Healthy friendships give space for individuals to grow and form new connections. True friendships aren’t easily broken, even when friends form new relationships.
